The Salivating Labrador

A Fool and their money are soon parted...

2008-01-31T12:16:00.000Z

Nancy "Bart Simpson" Cartwright Gives $10 Million to Scientology

Actress Nancy Cartwright, the voice behind cartoon character Bart Simpson, has been awarded Scientology's Patron Laureate Award after donating $10 million to the faith in 2007. Cartwright's gift - almost two times her annual salary from The Simpsons - puts her top of a list of celebrity benefactors, who have handed over their hard-earned cash to the Church of Scientology. She gave even more than Tom Cruise - who is reported to be the controversial religion's second-in-command - who has donated $5 million in the last four years. According to Impact magazine, Kirstie Alley gave $5 million last year and has picked up the Diamond Meritorious Award. Fellow followers John Travolta and Kelly Preston gave $1 million each and were awarded the Gold Meritorious Award, while Priscilla Presley was handed the Patron Award for a donation of $50,000. The prizes were handed out at a top secret ceremony in Florida last summer, according to the American publication.

The end of De-tox as we know it...

2007-12-20T10:37:00.000Z

Ok, so I took about 2 more photos of my Detox patch - and to be honest, they were more or less the same - so I decided to stop.

Main reason being Johnny Londis' comment on me "shitting out my feet"

I can't even begin to describe how awful that thought is to me.

So you win this round Science - but I'll be back....

Day 2 - Crazy De-tox!

2007-12-12T10:35:00.000Z

Rightio - after Monday nights, frankly sickening results, I was reluctant to put a patch on again - the way I see it, the world isn't ready for that amount of pure dirt.

However, for science, I prevailed - and here's Tuesday nights results....

Patch getting a little clearer now, I'm still convinced I'm dying though...

De-tox for inside your socks!

2007-12-12T10:23:00.000Z

As many of you know, I'm always one for stepping up to be a Guinea pig for science. Especially when it pertains to my health.

So I've been trying (as always) to maintain a healthy living, not drinking too much, eating right, jogging once a day and playing a football match once a week. Thankfully, none of this is a chore, it's quite enjoyable really. But I could do more.

So when I was offered to tryout detox patches I was well up for it.

Basically, you get these wee patches for the soles of your feet, lob them on at night, and they pull all sorts of gunk out of your body whilst you sleep.

So here's Monday nights result...

....

Would you look at that???

Seriously, it's feckin horrible, and it smells rank too! I just cannot believe that amount of rubbish came out of my body - am I being scammed? is there some perfectly logical reason for this? Have I got Cancer??

........

2007-12-03T09:53:00.000Z

Blog eh?

The Beginning of Halloween

2007-10-16T12:55:00.000+01:00

Yes, I'm sure everybody knows that Halloween is my favorite time of year.

Besides the fact that October also hosts my birthday - Halloween gives me more of an excuse than I usually need to watch horror films.

This year, I'm going back to MY roots with Horror.

THE EXORCIST

The Classic case of young Reagan McNeill (Linda Blair) becoming possessed by a Demon in suburban Washington completly blew me away, and scared my socks off when I was younger - so much so, that now - probably about 17 years later, I'm still freaked out by it.

Forget all the bullshit about people dying on set, mysterious fires and all that, this film touched on something that was a deep underlying fear amongst most people, the divil himself was such a taboo subject in Ireland back then that the film was totally banned - and I think I saw the dodgiest copy of it at first - which only added to the terror I felt watching it.

Look it up, Check it out, Tá sé ann.

Duck and cover!

2007-10-08T09:11:00.000+01:00

Click on this Picture!

We've all had moments like this in our lives....

..I'd like to think I dealt with them a little more tactfully though.

A-Z of Thailand - V-Z

2007-09-12T12:01:00.000+01:00

V is for Vermin

Plenty of rats in the more rural parts of Thailand, and sod the saying “they’re more scared of you than you are of them” because that’s just not true man. Mind you, what they are scared of is the 1000000 other things that are going to eat them if they’re not careful. So you have to chuckle to yourself when you see them staring at you.
I’ve worked around rats before, in the port tunnel, and saw some pretty big ones, so I wasn’t too worried, but the females (and some of the males) in our group got quite hyper when they saw a few scuttling around the place.

W is for Wedding

I was indeed over in Thailand for a wedding, and it was smashing, everything from the setting (on the beach) to the hotel (5 star) to the food was idyllic. You know when you watch those movies and they get married at the end? Well this was basically a “kiss the bride – cut – that’s a rap – roll Billy Ocean” scenario, and I was honoured to play the first song for the bride and groom also – very special moment for me.

W is also for Weather

During the months of June to August it rains a lot in Thailand, now by this I mean, a LOT, not often, just a LOT. So from the hours of 2pm to maybe 4pm you’ll have grey sky and thunderous rain, but it’ll still be nearly 40 degrees. The rain is great, cools everything down, and signals the end of your time in the searing heat for the day, it brings on the evening time quite nicely too.

W is also for Watersports

I’m not much of a swimmer, but when the water is so nice it’s hard to stay out of it, so no matter where I went, if there was a beach, I was on Jet Ski’s, Banana boats, Speed boats and all that jazz, really good fun, I had never driven a Jet ski before, and it’s so much fun, also I had a really dodgy hangover the day I first drove one and it totally excited the hangover out of my body!

X is for Xylophone

Always.

Y is for Yellow

The national colour of Thailand, it’s not on the flag, so I presume it’s something to do with the monarchy. It’s everywhere, mainly on the people though, Yellow t-shirts for the most part.

Z is for Ze end.

(sorry) But all good journeys have to have one, and mine was really an excellent experience, I’ll be back to Thailand, it’s an amazing place, and I’d recommend it to anyone, but don’t just take my advice – there’s plenty of websites and forums out there for people who have seen south east Asia and you can get information and travel advice there. I’m beginning to sound like a travel ad, so I’ll leave it at that. Normal service will resume tomorrow, and thanks for tuning in folks!

Peace IN!

Arroy ma Khop, Sawasdee Khop!

A to Z of Thailand part 3 - O to U!

2007-09-05T11:28:00.000+01:00

O is for Orchids

Seems to be like the shamrock is in Ireland, the Orchid is a prized part of Thai culture, we went to the largest orchid farm in Thailand, and whilst I’m not much of a botanist, I was impressed with the array of colours and the lovely displays.
Pretty gay though.

P is for people.

Thailands biggest natural resource. I’m always going on about how in Ireland we get shafted in restaurants where you feel obliged to tip, but have to suffer the narky and rude service staff that would rather be elsewhere, and this is in a country famous for being friendly! Well Thailand is exactly that, friendly. The amount of times I was stopped just walking down the street for a chat, with no angles (typical cynical Irishman looking to see what he’s being sold) people were genuinely interested in where I was from and what I thought of their country. I was blown away by the friendly smiles that greeted me everywhere, even if I was a walking dollar sign, I didn’t feel obliged to do anything and when I did tip in restaurants, I was thanked again and again and again. Made me feel like a fucking king.

Q is for Queen

Freddy Mercury is huge over there…oh no, hang on, not that Queen. It’s the actual Queen of Thailand, again, like the his Majesty the King of Thailand, the Queen is also saint-like throughout the country, whilst we were there, it was her birthday, and everyone (and I mean everyone) was wearing yellow (the royal colour) it was actually amazing to see.

R is for Rice

I posed the question to my Thai buddy whilst I was having dinner during my stay, “do you ever get out of bed in the morning and think, If I see one more fucking grain of rice I’m going to vomit?” his answer was simple. Thai people eat to live, they don’t live to eat. A simple bowl of rice with some pork is a staple diet over there, and whilst I can only eat so much rice before I start wanting pasta or spuds I can see why this is so popular, it’s like eating a pillow, fills you right up.

S is for Snakes - see vid.

S is also for Singha beer!

A big bottle (a pint and a half) of delicious Singha beer (that I had drank in Ireland before) would cost you 30cents over in Thailand, thing was, in a month, I was only completely shitfaced about 3 times, which is good going considering I drank everyday and once or twice for breakfast! The other beers available were Chang (very nice) and Leo (not the best)

T is for Tuk Tuk

T is for what? Yeah, I said Tuk Tuk’s, they are the preferred mode of transport in Thailand, they’re basically 3 wheeled bikes with a wee shack on the back for the passengers, and they’ll take about 3 or 4 people depending on the size. 4 of us got 2 each one night, and I decided to rile the driver of our friends Tuk Tuk by saying “Cha, Cha” which means Slowly. Suddenly we found ourselves caught racing through the streets of Chiang Mai in what looked like a poor mans scene from Ronin. Scary stuff – but hilarious when we got to the pub intact.

T is also for Toilets

Hong Nam yoo tee nie Khop? Which means, Water room, where is please? My favourite Thai sentence, I went as far as to ask someone where the toilet was even though I was standing beside it. I’m a Feckin show off. Anyway, by and large, the toilets in our hotels were normal, although no Armitage Shanks for us, it was all Cotto porcelain. But out in the bars and restaurants you generally got a porcelain hole in the ground with a bucket of water beside you. (below is the toilet in the blues bar in Chiang Mai).

U is for Umbrellas

You’ll need them when it’s sunny, and they’re fucking useless when it rains. Mental eh?

V to Z next my little labradors! - it's getting tough now!

A-Z of Thailand part 2 (H - N)

2007-08-30T12:07:00.000+01:00

H is for Heat

It was rainy season in Thailand, but don’t let that fool you, with an average heat of 38 degrees every day you’d be constantly sweating it out, I lost a stone in a month from the heat, walking down the road was basically the same as running top speed up a freaking hill in Ireland.

H is also for Hua Hin

A beautiful part of Thailand, that I was fortunate enough to spend 10 days in. You can do pretty much anything there, Jetski, Climb the mountains to the temples, Shop, party, but all at a lovely near-Caribbean pace.
They had a bloody Tesco there for godssake! We stayed in 2 hotels during our time there, and both were truly exceptional, their attention to detail and cleanliness was second to none. Good for adults, great for kids, you’ll hear no complaints here.

I is for Insects

I know I’ve already discussed the Ants, but believe me, there’s wigglys over there that would turn you pale, as we rafted up river I was told there was “something” on my back, now being a fan of the Indiana Jones movies, my mind was working overtime with this, so when I got my brother in law to swat whatever the fuck was on my back and show me I wasn’t prepared for a big black beetle with a stinger tail type scorpion thing.Awful stuff. But on the upside to that, there’s some amazing dragonflies there too, all different colours and sizes and making a veritable banquet for the Geckos.

J is for Jumping snake.

“Ladies and gentlemen, next snake, velly dangerous, no hoppital close, you get bite YOU DIE!, 3 minute, 3 minute, you DIE!” was the call from the Thai announcer at the Chiang Mai snake show. “ Velly dangerous Indian jumping snake, he jump up to 4ft”. We had paid in for a private show, as the park was closed, but our Thai friend got us in special. So in a small hut we were all on tenderhooks as they opened the box with the Indian jumping snake inside it. Suddenly the music got really loud and the snake handler flung a rope at us.
My mother in law nearly fell off the bleacher seats and the kids FREAKED. I very nearly wet my pants aswell.

K is for Khop

The word Khop is used constantly over there, it’s a polite term meaning thankyou and please. For the ladies, you say Kah instead. I really got into the Thai language whilst there and plan on showing off in many a Thai restaurant in the future.

K is also for King

He’s everywhere, pictures on the roadside, murals on the walls, on t-shirts and hats, everywhere. His Majesty the king of Thailand is regarded as spiritual by the people, and rightly so, from what I understand he has done wonderful things for the entire country with regards literacy, schooling and health.

L is for Ladyboys

Lets face it, I wasn’t going to do a rundown on Thailand without mentioning the lads. They’re a seriously good looking bunch of fellas – I’ll hold my hands up and say I had to double take several times over there, I wasn’t always right!
But the ladyboy shows are more like cabaret than anything else, and in fairness to them they’re hilariously entertaining.

L is also for Long necked hill tribe.

We took a trek up the river Mae Khong to a long necked hill tribe, now it’s not as adventurous as it sounds there, the hill tribes are somewhat of a tourist attraction, and fully expect people, but it was still really cool to go and do it.
The long neck is a sign that you are “Suay Mak” which means very beautiful, but it was originally for the hunters to protect them against Tigers who instinctively go for the neck, however I’m sure once a tiger has no luck chewing on your neck he’ll probably go for somewhere softer like your belly, so these neck rings were probably given over to the women to wear for fashion.
The rings are REALLY heavy, think the weight of say, 10 dinner plates around your neck, and also, it doesn’t stretch the neck, it lowers the shoulders apparently. Anyway, I was extremely grateful for their hospitality and it was a once in a lifetime thing for me to do.

M is for Muay Thai boxing.

A farce. A feckin farce so it was. They hand out flyers in restaurants everywhere that show two fighters ready to kick snot out of eachother and claim it to be a big bout. So I went along one night, and I saw two massive lads barely touch eachother and one fella hitting the deck soon thereafter, I might aswell have been watching WWF.
So the next time I was handed a flyer, I asked “exhibition? Or real?” and I was told “big championship fight” so I went along again, same bloody thing.
Sometimes you wish you weren’t a falong, so you could see the real deal!

M is also for Mosquitoes

In one month, I was lucky enough not to get bitten at all by the little bastards, which would lead me to believe that I could probably be a Mosquito farmer and not get bitten, because everyone else got nibbled on at one stage or another. I saw someone with a bite on their face and the entire bite was the size of a golf ball, and itchy as hell I’d imagine.
We were warned on our jungle trek that they’d savage us if we didn’t wear the protection that the Thai Army wore, it stunk, but by jingo did it work. Mind you, it would probably work with EVERYTHING because it smells so bad.

N – is for Noi.

Noi means little, and I don’t want to get too into the Thai language thing here, but if you’re the younger brother of someone, you seem to be instantly given that name, so Noi was the manager of Mr. Mudds blues bar in Hua Hin and a lovely chap he was too. Gave us plenty of Chang and Singha beers to keep us hydrated on those balmy evenings.

Stay tuned for O to U folks!

(you can tell me to stop when it gets boring.)

The A-Z of Thailand (Part 1)

2007-08-28T11:21:00.000+01:00

So my month long Thai odyssey has come to an end. I’m back in good old Eire, slightly browner and bizarrely lighter.
Without boring the shits out of you like I have been to anyone who’ll listen about my holidays, I thought it would be interesting to do a wee report on what I saw in Thailand as a first timer, and what better way to do that than in an A-Z?
(there’s probably lots of better ways, but just indulge me for godssake)

A is for Ants

After a few too many beers, you might be forgiven for looking at the ground and thinking it’s moving. In Thailand, it is. No matter where you are, or what you’re doing, there’s an Ant somewhere busying away, the further north into the jungle we got, the bigger and meaner the ants became, we were told that in Thailand 60 people die a year from Ants, not sure how true that is, because I only got one Ant bite in a month and it didn’t hurt at all. (flexing muscles)

B is for Bangkok

Without doubt, Bangkok is the most exciting place I’ve ever been to in my life, the most exciting and equally terrifying place. Words can’t really describe the hustle and bustle and the smells and sounds of the place, but lets just say I was glad I only spent a few nights there, because I was mentally shot afterwards. Whether you’re touring the vast markets looking for bargains (of which you’ll get plenty) or strolling through Pah Pong trying to avoid the come on attempts of the hookers and pimps alike, you’ll need plenty of energy to navigate your way through the city.

C is for Chiang Mai

A Different world in comparison to Bangkok, about 1 hours flight from the capital Chiang Mai boasts beautiful jungles and a lovely little city, the Chiang Mai curry and Chiang Mai sausage are delicious also.

C is also for Cooking Class

It’s a bit touristy I know, but I WAS A TOURIST and one who loves his Thai food too, so I took it upon myself to enrol in the Baan Thai cookery school. We spent half the day touring the markets for our ingredients, and we were then given a fairly basic run down of what we were going to be doing, so we ended up cooking a Tom Yam Gai, (spicy sour chicken soup), a Pad Thai, (chicken, egg and noodles with some veg), a Spicy Papaya salad (hottest thing I’ve ever eaten) and a Panang Curry, (Pork, thai style curry, delicious)
Unfortunately I had a big lunch so I could only barely taste my dishes, but our instructor said they tasted lovely. (I fairly dodged that bullet).

D is for Doi Su Tep

About 40 minutes outside Chiang Mai and up in the hills there is the beautiful temple of Doi Su Tep, atop an enormous hill, you can walk up the steep steps, or get a cable car. Then you can walk around and look at the amazing Buddhist statues and temples, you can get blessed by the monk there and then generally just stroll about (shoes off please) and relax in the frightfully serene atmosphere.

E is for Elephants

It took me a while to get over this one, I was relaxing in a bar minding my own bees wax when an enormous elephant stuck his trunk right into my face looking for me to buy some pineapple sticks from this skinny little guy, basically your being mugged, but it’s only about 30cents and it’s worth it just to get the smelly thing away from your boat race, but in fairness, they are beautiful animals, and I was fortunate enough to have regular contact with them once we got up North.

F is for Farong (Falong)

That’s foreigners to you and me, the Thai people are extremely protective of the foreigners and will do anything to help you (mostly), they also have a warped sense of humour to the average joe, but after a week or so you’ll be cracking up alongside them.
My lasting memory though will be that no matter how much I stood out (and believe you me, you don’t get worse than a pale pasty Irish chap in downtown hua hin) you’ll never feel like a boner at a wedding.

G is for Go Go Bars.

Most bars that I saw would be normal restaurant bar type things until a certain hour, lets call it “THE PROZZY HOUR” when scores of scantily clad girls would descend on the bars and sit down outside trying to lure you in for a drink. The girls were actually very nice, especially when they’d see me with my girlfriend, they still called us in, but only for a chat and the craic, which I thought was nice, mind you, when I was in Bangkok I was told “100baht, for 4 girls of my choice if I sneak out to the toilet” which I thought was a bit offside.

Stay tuned my little labradors for part 2 of my Thai rundown.

Pups.

Sah wah dee Kop!

2007-07-30T12:22:00.000+01:00

Well folks,

I'm away to Thailand for a while from tomorrow - I'll be posting on what I've seen and heard and eaten and thrown up no doubt when I get near a PC.

Failing that, I'll be back in a month.

AH SO!

(awful, awful, awful Geography)

(just terrible)

Alice - what's the matter?

2007-07-27T10:23:00.000+01:00

It's Alice in Chains drexday folks!

Whether you read this on a Saturday or whatever - I demand you play 3 Alice in Chains songs - on the trot on whatever device you have for listening to music.

My personal choice was; Man in a box, Rooster, Rain when I die.

in retrospect - I would have chosen something from jar of flies instead of Rooster.

but whaddyagonnado?

What a donkey!

2007-07-19T11:25:00.000+01:00

I watched a fine film the other night, it was called Au Hasard Balthazar , an odd movie - but I really enjoyed it.
anyway - I went to the bible and had a look to see if I could find any more info on it and upon checking the movie, I swiftly realised that with the use of the plot keywords section on imbd.com you don't actually need to watch the movie at all - I can guarantee you'll all feel as if you've watched this movie by just reading the list of keywords.

Time saver special!

Take that internet!

2007-07-17T11:12:00.001+01:00

That's for not commenting on my last blog you fuckers!

I demand recognition for my rant against Irish weather!

I wish i were from Ghana.

2007-07-13T12:17:00.000+01:00

It's summer.

In Ireland.

It's fucking rained for 36 days non-stop.

I feel like jumping off a tall building.

If Chins could....blow out birthday candles.

2007-06-22T10:33:00.000+01:00

Happy Birthday Bruce Campbell - movie icon - 49 Years young today.

Shop smart.

Shop S - mart.

Erm....

2007-06-19T12:58:00.000+01:00

I saw this "art" in a new housing development near where I live on Sunday - and I got worried.

It's animal art porn at it's worst.

Alfred Hitchcock would be proud....

2007-06-13T11:02:00.000+01:00

I'm not having a good week with the oul' birds.

Now, I don't mean women, I'm talking about actual birds, the flying ones!

On Monday morning, I was leaving my house and on my front lawn I spotted an aray of feathers, "hrmm" says I, as I walked over for a further look and lo and behold what was lying brown bread on my grass only a parrot (pictured below)

"polly want a....face"

Now, It was 7am, on a Monday morning, after a heavy weekend, so I allowed myself to think it was just a dream, but by the time I woke up properly (11am) I realised that someones pet had met their untimely demise in my front garden - I thought for a second - was it my killer hound that dealt the fatal blow? but I soon realised that she had been asleep in her kennel all night long (I know this because I closed the door over and it was in the same position the following morning....and to the best of my knowledge, she can't close doors)

So I reckon, perhaps a magpie or magpies had attacked this lovely creature, leaving me with the remains - which I buried in a small ceremony near where I found her body.

Poor thing.

Secondly, and most frighteningly, I was driving down the coast road yesterday, to meet the missus for a pint and a bite to eat in Clontarf, I pulled into a carpark on the sea front and as I approached the spot I had chosen I noticed there was a Cormorant (pictured below) perched on the micra beside me, however, he or she was clearly unhappy with me to be there and swooped up into the air and literally hovered like a giant dragon in front of my car.

"it's a cormorant"
Put the fucking heart crossways in me.

So I'm waiting for the 3rd installment of my bird drama to unfold, these things happen in trees I'm told.

(awful joke...not even clever funny)

Bring in the Regime!

2007-06-08T11:41:00.000+01:00

A while ago, a good friend mentioned to me that he had been thinking of writing a book about attempting to cure social moronics.

I listened to what he had to say, and whilst 100% of it was completly agreeable, his methods were, how would you say it....insanely violent.

Needless to say however, I have been thinking of this since, and I believe a manual is needed to highlight the inept attitude of many of this countries social outcasts.

Let me set straight at the start, that I do not mistake poverty, homelessness, religion or drug addiction for being a social moron. Allow me to explain.

1. Your car

Whilst driving, should you feel the need to listen to music at a level which would be inaudible for anyone sitting as close as you are to the speakers, please refrain from letting your windows down so that others may enjoy their drive-time commute in silence, or whilst listening to the music of their choice. I would also suggest (as an aside) that you listen to the music at a level where you would be more comfortable, this high volume level is clearly the reason you answer "WHA?" to every question.

Also, when driving a modified car, please ensure that you enter this car in races, so that you can qualify both the lowered position and the bodykit of your vehicle. Please refrain from putting "artwork" or neon lighing on your car at all times, and Finally (although I'm sure there's plenty more) please do not wear a cap inside your motor, it's just silly.

2. Your Clothing.

For men first off, pink shirts, pink t-shirts, pink ties, pink anything is a definite no-no here, Pink is for little girls who have little curls, right in the middle of their foreheads. Leave the collar DOWN on any rugby/football tops unless you are grossly scarred underneath. Caps are to be worn at a normal angle, wearing them to the side or back to front is relatively acceptable, but ensure you are able to back that up by being able to do a Tony Hawk-esque flip on a skateboard or break into freestyle rap at any requested moment. T-Shirts that say FCUK ME are not allowed.

For the ladies, there are a few small rules, but it is VITAL you stick to these, anything else is a clear infringment on social standards and will cast you outside society.

If you are a buxom lass, please dress in clothes that fit, honestly love, you'll look fine, you won't however, look fine, dressed like a sumo wrestler in cling-film. On the flip side of that, don't go around with yourself in a bag, live a little, love a little, we'll appreciate you for it!

But i'm only flicking around the asshole of the problem here, so i'm going to delve right in, here's my crux.

WEARING YOUR PYJAMAS OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOME IS UNACCEPTABLE. I can't stress this enough, you look ridiculous, and who the hell wears them anyway?? I actually cannot type any more on this, as I'm likely to get so angry I'll pass out.

3. Smoking

It's not big, It's not clever, It's nothing really to do with me, but must you do it ladies when you're heavily pregnant? Why would you not want to give your child the best possible start in life? and a 9 mth sacrifice surely to god won't kill you (quicker than the fags will). And if your fella smokes, get him to stop too!

4. Children

Ah Bless the little ones, lets have kids, lets call them obnoxious names like Ridley and Fuinneog, lets teach them to be smartarse little rugger buggers by 4yr old. Lets call them names like Britney and Lyle, Lets go to the clonliffe house all day and get spannered while little "Ethan" and little "Shaznay" run riot in the car park. Keep them on a fucking leash people, if you're going to go out and booze all day.

5. Celtic.

I support Celtic, I love the club, and i'm sure the club loves everyone who buys their produce and goes to games - why wouldn't they? but for the love of god just because you're Irish and fancy throwing a brick at the Brits doesn't mean you have to wear the bleedin' jersey! TAKE IT OFF YOU.

There's plenty more, Mobile Phones, Cinema talking, Chewing Gum and general littering all of course are rantable - but those are the ones that get me the most.

To read more on the REGIME idea, please contact http://johnnylondis.blogspot.com/ for further information.

Summertime...and the living is greezy.

2007-05-31T08:49:00.000+01:00

It's the summer!

I know I've been off for a long time folks, but between college, moving house and a whole load of other crap you don't even want to know about, it's been busy.

But we've arrived, it's summer in Ireland, we have 3 months of hoping for sun but just falling short of it in front of us!

So just to get everyone in the mood, I've compiled a list of 5 things I love about summer, and 5 things I hate. Feel free to add to this list. (or indeed to take away)

Five things I love about summertime.

1. There's a 50% increase in "summertime" by Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh (or is it Phresh?) Prince getting playtime on the radio.

2. The Summer blockbusters - ah yes, it's sunny...so lets go to the cinema and watch the 3rd installment of Pirates of the carribean or Spiderman III!

3. Ice Cream, great excuse for eating a 99 cone without the flake thanks.

4. The Irish BBQ, there's meat, beer, music, and eventually throwing up. Love it.

5. It's 11pm and it's STILL sort of bright, anyone for a kickabout?

Five things I Hate about Summer.

1. Wasps - lets not beat around the bush here, I hate them. Vindictive little cunts.

2. People walking around without their tops on - it's not Barbados lads- cover up.

3. The summer festivals - an unpopular choice I know, but there's something about giving yourself Jaundice in a field for 3 days and listening to bad metal that doesn't appeal to me.

4. Toe-rags, when the sun shines, the flowers grow, but that doesn't stop the weeds either.

5. The summer song, someone will do it, and the song won't be half bad either, until it's played 4000 times a day on the radio.

But by and large folks, the summer is about one thing, enjoying life. Getting together with family and friends, walks in the park, relaxing in the garden, washing the car, rocking it out until early in the AM.

oh hang on....thats more than one thing.

Hrm.

Just because....

2007-03-28T15:45:00.000+01:00

What a cute couple...

Bleedin' oul wans.

2007-03-21T12:33:00.000Z

Seriously.

What in the name of jaysus?

I'm an oul wan, so I have the divine right to do the following,

1: Block the path whilst talking shite to my fellow old bint

2: Cross the road without bothering to look for oncoming traffic

3: Skip queues

4: Forget completly about indicators on my BRAND NEW MICRA

5: Constantly tell people how old I am, "well I'm 86 so, I'll just have 2 lamb cutlets"

Seriously - if all women turn this way after a certain stage (I'm guessing menopause) then I'm going to be a dirty old batchelor!

(jesus)

Raul Julia.

2007-03-09T09:03:00.000Z

Vaya con dios, Raul Rafael Carlos Julia.

He would have been 67 today.

Sorely missed.

Danger here!

2007-03-07T10:57:00.000Z

We've all done it - deep down we're all amateur daredevils, or just complete idiots.

I was thinking the other day, as I'm wont to do, about stupid, REALLY stupid things I've done in my 27 short years on this planet, now not just stupid things like not asking such and such out and then finding out she actually fancied you, but is now going out with someone, I'm talking about stupid DANGEROUS things I've done that could have gotten me moidered.

Here's a list,

1: Drinking Oven cleaner
2: Throwing a deodourant onto a bonfire
3: Climbing up to the first floor of an office building
4: Wandering (yes wandering) into the sea at the pier in clontarf
5: Running with Scissors (probably)
6: Lay down on a live railway line trying to prise off a survey instrument
7: Climbed (unharnessed) up 50ft in the dublin port tunnel

I can't really think of any more - but I'm actually astounded I haven't killed myself by now.

Anyone out there do something similar that freaks them out in retrospect?

Jaysus.

the dove from above

2007-02-14T14:25:00.000Z

Enough of this mushy Valentines day rubbish I say!

I present to you....Fainting Goats!

When startled, this goat recieves a momentary stiffening of the leg muscles, causing it to keel over and lay paralysed for a few brief moments.

Go to youtube - and type in fainting goats - promise you won't be disappointed.

What does your iPod library say about you?

2007-01-19T11:47:00.000Z

I'm just doing some spring cleaning and I've been looking at my library on iTunes.

I guess it should say a lot about me - but I can't figure out what.

Here's a list of the musicians on my iPod. let me know if it makes me a normal person or a serial killer.

Or if my taste in music just plain sucks ass.

1: Ac/Dc
2: Aerosmith
3: Alejandro Escovedo
4: Alice in Chains
5: Andrew WK
6: Athlete
7: Avalanches
8: Beach Boys
9: Beastie Boys
10: Beatles
11: Ben Folds
12: Ben Harper
13: Billy Bragg
14: Billy Holiday
15: Bob Dylan
16: Bonnie Raitt
17: Bruce Springsteen
18: Clash
19: Creedance Clearwater Revival
20: Cure
21: Cypress Hill
22: David Bowie (sorry Will)
23: Doves
24: Dean Martin
25: Declan O Rourke
26: Elvis Costello
27: Faith no More
28: Feeling
29: Flogging Molly
30: Foo Fighters
31: Gnarls Barkley
32: Guns n Roses
33: Hayseed Dixie
34: Hellacopters
35: Isaac Hayes
36: Jay-Z
37: Jerry Douglas
38: John Mayer
39: John Williams
40: Johnny Cash
41: Joni Mitchell
42: Journey
43: Jurassic 5
44: Kate Bush
45: Killers
46: Killswitch engage
47: Kings of Leon
48: Kinks
49: Lep Zeppelin
50: Mansun
51: Mark Lanegan
52: Marvin Gaye
53: Mastadon
54: Mc Hammer
55: Metallica
56: Miles Davis
57: Nancy Sinatra
58: Nina Simone
59: Norah Jones
60: Orson
61: Outkast
62: Pantera
63: Paul Simon
64: Peter Gabriel
65: Pink Floyd
66: Pogues
67: Police
68: Prince
69: Queen
70: Queens of the stone age
71: Rage against the Machine
72: Ray La Montagne
73: Rocky Votolato
74: Ry Cooder
75: Sade
76: Screamin' Jay Hawkins
77: Slipknot
78: Smashing Pumpkins
79: Soundgarden
80: Spacehog
81: Spike Jones
82: Stina Nordenstam
83: Sting
84: Supergrass
85: System of a down
86: Thin Lizzy
87: Tom Baxter
88: Tom Petty
89: Tom Waits
90: Tomahawk
91: Tony Bennett
92: Toots and the Maytals
93: Travelling Wilburys
94: Van Halen
95: Weezer
96: Whitesnake
97: Who
98: Wilco
99: Yardbirds
100: ZZ Top.

How odd....I have exactly 100 band/artists in my iTunes.

I am the Law! (sort of)

2007-01-10T11:41:00.000Z

I couldn't give two shits what other people say, I've seen this film at least 4 times now, and I reckon its a class act.

I don't care!

I watched it on telly again last night - and enjoyed it just as much as I did the first time I saw it.

I spoke here recently about guilty pleasures! this is another one!

Where's the Tylenol?

2006-12-21T15:49:00.000Z

Well folks, this will be my last post in 2006.

Have a happy christmas - and a fanterrific new year.

"You BOY! WHAT DAY IS IT?"

2006-12-08T09:00:00.000Z

Tom Waits! 57 Today!

2006-12-07T08:44:00.000Z

And number THREE on the things I love!

From his slightly raspy Closing time - right up to his current Orphans album - he's the only artist I listen to that has yet to put a foot wrong in my opinion.

(which counts for little)

Anyway....happy birthday Tom.

HOIST THAT RAG!

Things I like - No.4!

2006-11-29T10:42:00.000Z

The Mini!

I love them! Living in the big schmoke, not having kids and generally not having a lot of stuff to lug around with me, I find driving my mini fantastic - parking is a joy, I fill it up for 35 quid and it runs for 2 weeks! Yep - the Mini is the perfect car for me.

Also - chicks dig you in a mini.

Remember when you were on the dodgems as a young 'un? and you said to yourself, "this is great, I wish i could take this out on the road!"

Well, basically that is what you're doing with a mini.

I love them!

5 of my favorite things

2006-11-03T14:44:00.000Z

1 - The bad guy.

When done properly, a bad guy can not only be cooler than the hero, but will stay with you a lot longer, take for instance the Texas chainsaw massacre, not only do you think Leatherface is the most savage bad guy around, you actually sometimes feel a little sorry for the guy.

However, when done badly, ie: Spiderman 2 - Dr. Octopus, you simply cannot wait for the hero to dispose of the jerk.

Here's an example of a few bad guys who rock,

Darth Vader
Jason Vorhees and Michael Myers
Lex Luther
Freddy
Robert De Niro - in heat

See?

Bad Guys - no.5 on my list of my favorite things!

A Quick noodle scratcher!

2006-10-12T12:32:00.000+01:00

Questions always Questions - burning in my mind!

If you can be arsed - answer the following.

1: If you could tell one actor not to bother turning up for work in the morning, who would it be?

2: You've become stuck on something in a playground - who do you call to unhook you?

3: Who would win in a fight - a gorilla or a grizzly bear?

4: What song is in your head right now?

5: Whats for breakfast?

6: Who would you sell your fingers to have "carnal affairs" with?

7: Who are you most scared of, North Korea? Afghanistan? Iran? or the USA?

8: If you had one bit of advice to give the 10 year old you - what would it be?

9: What's your most fantastic skill?

10: Rare, Medium Rare, Medium, Medium well, well done or Charcoal?

Guilty Pleasures!

2006-09-15T13:48:00.000+01:00

We all have our own take on music - most of us, infact, pretty much all of us have different tastes. Each person as eclectic as the next to be honest, I say this with confidence because after a recent discussion with someone known for their bizarre taste in music, I learnt that they had a back catalogue of Corrs albums....a guilty little pleasure.

Musical guilty pleasures are much like normal guilty pleasures, you know its not the done thing, you know it could be fattening, gross, obscene or just plain illegal, but we all have them

I'm going to have to say mine is Phil Collins - (pictured above in his hobo years) - Can anyone tell me why he's so unpopular and why I have to hide my "best of" album constantly? when I know in a few years I'm going to have to buy a new one because the disc is practically rice paper thin from over playing?

I won't go too deep into my love for the music of this bald cocker-ney crooner - because if i "out" myself too much I'll lose all credibility - but please join me in my quest for honesty - what's YOUR guilty pleasure with music?

PS: I'm off on holidays for a week. - slán!

RIP Steve Irwin.

2006-09-04T08:51:00.000+01:00

A True hero of mine - and a young father.

You'll be missed steve0.

Carvery!

2006-09-01T11:34:00.000+01:00

Carvery.

It's the bane of my life.

You go into a pub for a something to eat and this is what you have to endure...

1: Getting into a queue with those trays - you know the ones? I HATE them! slippy bastards.

2: Queuing like it's ration russia with the rest of the punters lining up for yer "grub"

3: Getting greeted by the "chef" who you know was in the Irish army. (not necessarily a bad thing)

4: Having him put whatever food is in the steel trays onto your tray and ushering you away

now...my point is this....you could be ordering a fucking salad and you'll STILL feel like you've swallowed a duck down pillow afterwards - what is it with Carvery?

A Chicken Salad smothered in gravy or something!

Jesus!

Ye Feckin Sly Dog!

2006-07-28T09:17:00.000+01:00

Ah Drexday - a day for nostalgia, a day for recollections.

I was cycling along this morning on my merry way to work and I saw Big Bill Crawford at the bus stop, so 5 minutes of small talk later and I was off again, and thinking of AOL on my way.

Remember back then, if you did ANYTHING you were called a sly dog? now I'm not exaggerating here, if you opened a door for a lady or spoke as much as a hello to a female member of staff you were gone - MUTT - would be the beginning of it, and then 400 e-mails with pictures included (thanks Foley) would fly around the office and you'd be stung.

It actually reached the point where you would do almost anything to avoid being called a mutt, you'd spend the entire week being as good as gold and keeping the head down, and then over in the Pub on a Friday evening you'd blow it all by making some disgraceful attempt at "romance" with a random female staff member. (snigger - I said member!)

Anyway - here's to the Gentlemen of AOL who we can safely say are ALL....

One Eyed
Dirty
Scabby
Flea Infested

MUTTS.

Smack that Hoe!

2006-07-24T09:53:00.000+01:00

Spent the weekend in Plymouth - in a place called Hoe.

Hours and Hours of amusement.

Anyway - I had a ball - and would totally recommend this part of the world for a holiday - it's like a really really cool Bray!

(no disrespect to Bray)

It's Drexday!

2006-07-21T09:13:00.000+01:00

5 Reasons why DrexDay ROCKS!

1.Its the day after Thursday. Everyone knows that Thursday's suck. Its the poor mans DrexDay.

2.Its officially time to start dancing on the ceiling. DrexDay allows you to slack off in work. "Hey it's DrexDay" you can say.

3.With DrexDay comes TWO days off work. Thats class.

4.I always text / mail / message Puppy on DrexDay and vice versa. Its a bond that wouldn't be there without DrexDay.

5.ITS DREXDAY MOTHER CUNT HUNTERS!

So let down those cotton socks, thats right, right down to the ankles... untuck that shirt and loosen yisser tie. DrexDay will look after everything. Its like a perfect cocktail!

Gerrup!

2006-07-17T10:59:00.000+01:00

So Dublin are the Leinster champs - fair play.

Yesterday was my 3rd Leinster final ever, I'm proud to say I've been to at least 90% of the Dublin championship games in the last 4 years or so, and it's a blast, It's really good craic.

However, I'm finding it quite hard to fit into a group here, now, usually with sport it's pretty easy, say for instance in Soccer, I would generally fit into the "non-yob wannabe pundit" group, with probably 25% of the rest of the Soccer loving Irish public.

The strange thing with GAA is there appears to be only 2 types of Dublin supporter, On your left you have the total scumbag - who arrives at Croke park with his Dublin Jersey around his head showing off his marijuana leaf tattoos and his ferociously pale upper body, this type of supporter genuinely loves the Dublin team - no doubt - but also seems hellbent on drinking his FACE off before and after the game and systematically destroying Dublin city centre on a drunken rampage later in the day. I don't think I'd fit in there, mainly because I don't have the marijuana leaf tattoo.

The other side - and this is possibly worse than type A - on the right hand side you have this pseudo intellectual snobbish GAA supporter who will basically look right down their noses at you when you don't recognise a certain player. These people are obviously very interested in the sport and probably genuinely love Dublin aswell, but the damage they do is not to the city, it's to the game of GAA, and let me explain why,

I'm not a source of information about Gaelic football and I don't think i'll have have such an interest that I'll make it my business to learn EVERYTHING there is to know - but I have been going to games for a while now, and I enjoy it - so what's the harm in being a fairweather fan?
People who know more about the sport are putting other people off going because they are being made feel inadequate by these jerks!

The more game you go to - the more you learn, so give us all a break before you start giving out every year about how the championship brings all the part-time supporters down to the games, we're paying in like everyone else damnit!

(Calm down)

30 mins of zombie-esque - Tv.

2006-07-13T14:09:00.000+01:00

I'm not ashamed to admit I am an addict.

I crave my fix with every move I make - everything I do is a premeditated move towards getting my daily dose.

It's not smart, and It's not clever, but without trashy american 30 minute sitcoms, my life wouldn't be worth living - but like so many addictions, I need to question what it is that makes me so dependant on these funny "slices of life".

Everybody Loves Raymond.

Eh...not everyone mate, your wife appears to hate you.

But your 30 minute rantings about her seem to render me helpless on the sofa - wondering why you don't get a divorce!

The King of Queens

Here we have a man, who is clearly pushing a heart attack, and who clearly has an eating disorder married to a bitchy New York roughneck of a woman. They keep their insane Father in the basement - (if my father in law was Jerry Stiller, I'd spend all day looking at his enormous hands)

Again - just waiting to see that chap keel over clutching his chest is reason enough to tune in.

Two and a Half men.

It's the theme tune that has me. Oh, and generally anything with Charlie Sheen in it.

Frasier.

When I'm worn out with low brow culture (dot com) I'll pop a frasier on, (lets face it, it's always on somewhere) and have a titter at the jokes about art and culture in general.

(the real reason is Kelsey Grammars crazy upper body hair and fantastic eye brows)

I need help.

Kerching Kerching!

2006-07-06T14:45:00.000+01:00

So that's that - the World Cup is coming to an end - and the 2 unlikely teams in the Final are

Italy v France - that's Ron Harte v Steve Deasy - another unlikely pairing.

The winner will scoop up the cash prize of (whoever gives me the money)

Best of luck girls!

Woooo!

Hollywood BAD real life GOOD

2006-07-05T12:41:00.000+01:00

It seems to be everywhere - celebrity has pretty much taken over as the main obsession nowadays.
Now on a base level, I don't really have any problems with the idea of celebrity, people put themselves out there for their talents, whether it's their skills with acting or their beauty or even the fact that they wear very little and turn up at events as socialites, everyones got to make a few quid right?

However, on the current trend of things, I'm beginning to believe that this is turning out to be far more damaging to the world than I originally thought.

I was scanning through IMBD.com as I tend to do when I came across a film by a relatively unknown director featuring Lindsay Lohan - a girl who seems to be known more for her good looks than the semblance of any talent whatsoever, was she in the Herbie remake? anyway, it appeared that she walked out on the film leaving her director and the cast high and dry because "she wants to work with big name directors". Now, you're surely saying "but why is this damaging to the world steve?" Well, I'll answer you if you'd ever SHUT THE FUCK UP! (sorry)

You see, in my opinion (and that's all it ever is) things are often best in life when you earn them, and I would imagine acting is pretty much no different, now i'm probably not 100% right, but she's 20 years of age - hardly an adult - wouldn't she be better perceived by the general public if she cut her teeth with some edgy unknown cinema first? fighting her way and earning a place amongst the elite in hollywood? Of course she would, but then again - it's not entirely her fault - the system has to come in for some of the blame too.

In the throws of promoting a film and making money, you'd want the biggest names available to BE in your movie, often replacing talent for just a name. So as I said at the beginning everyone is entitled to make a few quid - Lord knows most of us need it.

But what really dusts my muffins is the fact that Ms. Lohan cited a reason like not working with a big name director as her reason for leaving the film, it annoys me that little stains like her think they are above anyone let alone some bloke just trying to make a film, AND to further freak me out I saw a trailer for Ms. Lohans new film (featuring McFly) and it looks like the biggest heap of garbage one could imagine.

Now, before I go off on one here, Lohan is not the only problem, infact, thats really just the tip of the choc ice, the most harmful being looks and beauty, and the idea that being as skinny as a rake is attractive. I see magazines where you can literally see these peoples ribs and women walking around with MASSIVE heads on tiny bodies - surely I'm not alone here in thinking that it's disgusting?

These women have to run around in the shower to get wet for goodness sake - and this is having a knock on effect with women who are reading these magazines. My mother - who couldn't weigh over a buck O five - stopped bringing sambos into work because she was told by some anorexic fitness instructor that she was overweight - and i'm not seeing things through rose tinted glasses here - the woman is as skinny as a rake.

Anyway - I don't know what anyone could DO to sort this out, but I think the problem firmly lies on the doorsteps of the people in these magazines and the mags themselves.

Am I wrong?

AM I?

(sorry)

I'm going to hell! The internet has told me so!

2006-06-27T13:45:00.000+01:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

World Cup Pool!

2006-06-09T11:23:00.000+01:00

Well its officially arrived!

The greatest football competition in the universe - The World Cup.

All the names have been taken and here's our very own world cup pool.

Starting - at the start....

Bill Boylan : Brazil and USA
Chickey : Angola and Sweden
Rashers : Argentina and Paraguay
Pa : Tunisia and Switzerland
Linhickey : Spain and Ecuador
Foley : Holland and Mexico
Deasy : Trinidad and Tobago and France
Stevie Me : Ghana and Germany
Mango : Engerland and Ukraine
Sarah : Croatia and Saudi Arabia
Ron : Australia and Italy

So it begins here - personally I think it'll boil down to a Bill Boylan v Mango final.

Usa v Ukraine???

Bearnz.

The Muscles from erm..Belgium.

2006-05-19T13:41:00.000+01:00

A True action hero of the 80's/90's Jean Claude van Damme (46) has filmed some totally champion action flicks - and here to prove it (like I need to) I'm gonna list his top ten.

In order!

10: Hard Target (he kills someone with a fridge)
09: The Quest (roger moore is amazing in this film)
08: Nowhere to run (there's boobies in this)
07: Timecop (even if it is for his mullet and the wobbly screen thing)
06: AWOL ( Or Lionheart as it was called in the US - my first JCvD film)
05: Cyborg ( if you saw this when I was a kid, you were a big man)
04: Bloodsport ( think this was his first film - cameo from Chuck Nosher too!)
03: Double Impact (not one but TWO van Dammes to content with - class)
02: Kickboxer (dipping the gloves in glue and glass - total genius)
01: Universal Soldier (had it all - best film he's done)

ROUNDHOUSE DOUBLE KICK!

Zorbb-ariffic

2006-05-18T09:59:00.000+01:00

Ok - i PROMISE i'll put up something different tomorrow.

they just keep coming to me!

Zorbb on!

2006-05-16T12:46:00.000+01:00

Normal Posting will resume when I run out of ideas. (tomorrow)

Zorbbs - since you enjoyed it so!

2006-05-12T08:36:00.000+01:00

Second bite at the cherry folks - this is where it either goes completly wrong or completly right!

The Zorbbs - First try.

2006-05-11T13:24:00.000+01:00

Just something I'm trying out.

Let me know if it sucks a dead cats balls.

(please don't my fragile ego would shatter like Wayne Rooneys foot)

Rock and Rolla!

2006-04-21T11:49:00.000+01:00

As a young buck, I did what many can also claim to have done; I shunned the call of education and swore blind I’d be a rock and roll star.
So I dusted off our old lodgers Framus bass guitar – with only 3 strings and you had to drop it on the ground to get it to work – and put my schoolbooks away.

Now as I sit in middle management, I can safely say, I regret nothing, and I’m even forced to re-enforce this by listing the things taught to me by rock and roll.

So sit back, turn up your stereo – and realise that yes, you may need long division now, but you took a shot at stardom, and that my friend, is to be commended.

Things Rock and Roll taught me.

1: Avoid the cinema – you’ll get chocolate stains on your pants.
2: The night shall be reserved for either, running in, dancing in or feeling the power of.
3: We all now know what it means, to walk along this lonely steet of dreams.
4: The waiting, is the hardest part.
5: Avoid the hotel California – because once you check in, it’s a bastard to get out.
6: No point in school – its out for the summer.
7: You don’t like school, You don’t like work, Pick up the telephone and tell the boss he is indeed a jerk.
8: You can actually build a city on rock and roll.
9: It’s possible to make love like a fool
10: in the event of any crisis – go ahead and jump.

This week I have been mostly eating....

2006-03-30T14:28:00.000+01:00

It seems healthy living has taken a nutritious grip on the nation, which in fairness, is a good thing for everyone, there’s no arguments there.
Organic foods, Low fat dairy products, Lean Meats, all these things are now more available than ever before and if you make a decision to change your eating habits, there has never been a better time.

Of course we have the crash dieters and the quick fixes, the GI diets (recently proven to be a load of my arse), The fAtkins (developed by a guy who died clinically obese) and my personal favourite (for hilarity) this De-tox diet that Carol fucking Vorderman endorses, now, fair enough, it won’t do you any harm eating green cabbage soup and quail eggs for a month, your farts will hum and your breath will smell like a dead mans thong but, you won’t put on weight (until you stop doing it), The worst thing about this one is that Scientists have said that De-toxing your system should take nothing more than a good nights rest, plenty of water and your body (spleen pancreas etc..) will do the rest.

What really grinds my gears though, is the way certain companies have seen the upsurge in healthy eating and have plopped themselves on the skinny bandwagon, We have to endure these awful campaigns for the various foodstuffs we would have either never heard of or would have avoided altogether and their morally offensive adverts.

Recently I’ve been growing ever tired of the “Actimel” type products that lower your cholesterol, fair enough, it might be “good bacteria” and a brand new type of science, but I’m not doubting the ability of these products, what freaks me out is the “Danone-Test” and lets face it, every single one of these products have come up with these.

Basically, they get you to consume a bottle a day and then ask you to “feel the difference”, translated from marketing speak this is what they want “Buy our product enough times to eat one a day and make us rich and then hopefully you’ll feel better in yourself, if you don’t fuck it – try it again, but yer not getting your money back”

It sickens me to think that people are dumb enough to get swallowed up by such a blatant marketing ploy. Imagine if Burger King did this?

“Try a whopper a day, and hopefully by the end of the week you’ll be an average of 45% more satisfied”

What did people do before this to lower their cholesterol? Were people walking around like ticking time bombs before the invention of these little watery yoghurts? (Cheers Johnny) According to a friend of mine, who is a nutritionalist, If you want to drastically cut down on your cholesterol, don’t even bother with these drinks, just drink plenty of water, stop eating fatty foods, eat more grains and non oily nuts, and for fucks sake EXERCISE A BIT!

It bugs the shit out of me when people moan about being overweight and then just sit on their arses eating nutri-grain bars in tracksuits. Get out to the frigging sunshine and take a walk with the dog!

The problem with national obesity begins at your doorstep, and hopefully once you get to your doorstep, you’ll look outside on this fantastic country of ours and take advantage of it.

Ghost Goblins and Ghouls and Goths!

2006-03-23T11:18:00.000Z

Generally speaking - in my life, the only thing that goes bump in the night is my bed after I've had a feed of Guinness and my bottom is tooting a merry tune all night long, much to the disgust of my missus.

However, as much of a sceptic as I am in general, I do have a weird fascination with the paranormal.

Now lets not go nuts here, I don't go to seances and I don't think Derek Acorah is in any way NOT taking the piss when I watch ghostwatch on the sci-fi channel. But I do think that there's things in life that no matter what, we just can't explain.

Some people may be so convinced they've seen ghosts or things of that nature, and scientists might say "well you've clearly got a chemical inbalance in the oul' noggin there" mind you, any scientist who uses the term "oul noggin" isn't to be trusted.

And I suppose we as a race have a way of rationalising things away and once we get a fairly normal explanation we're happy enough to get on with our lives. But who is to say that the millions of people worldwide who have claimed to have seen something weird are not partly telling the truth?

There's a smashing website called Shadowlands.com full of peoples ghost stories that I read when I want either a good laugh or a chill put up my spine, and of course, it attracts many madsers, but there was some stories that seemed so genuine - boring even - that you had to think there was truth in them.

I love a good scare, horror films and ghost stories are a great way to pass the time, and the more extravagent the better - I've done my share of oujii boards and have only ended up with someone (usually me) taking the piss, but I've never personally been scared by something supernatural, and hopefully I won't be, but I certainly would never discount the possibility of some sort of paranormal goings on in life.

Ghosts are probably the easiest thing to imagine being real, all this talk about frankenstein and werewolves and vampires etc.. are merely matters of folklore and fiction but somethings spirit that's alive after the body has long since died is totally a probability, lets face it - most of us believe in a heaven or a hell - or something other than a blank nothing after we snuff it, so why not ghosts?

I've heard some cracking stories in my time, most of which coming from old Ireland and things that happened well before we became the heaving metropolis that we are now, and of course, peoples imaginations, superstitions and such were not as tainted as ours today, but it would be something I hope doesn't die out completly.

I'd be a big fan of the urban legend too - the escaped mental patients and all that, anyone have any thoughts on this?

Oh - and I said I'd mention Goths too - bunch of makeup wearing cunts.

there.

Muso's corner!

2006-03-15T11:44:00.000Z

Three albums that changed my life.

I was having a shite the other day, and I knew I was going to be a while (big lunch) so I brought in my iPod and prepared for my sit in.
Whilst I was there, a few songs came on that made think, "jesus, what would my life be like if I had never heard that tune" and so on.
So I got to thinking, you should name 10 albums that changed your life and stick it up on the oul' blog - and I couldn't - but nearly instantly these three jumped up and said "me!, me!"

Graceland - Paul Simon.

I have a very early memory of me actually dancing around my living room to you can call me Al. I loved everything about that record, My da had bought it on vinyl and as I was only 6, I didn't really have any particular leanings on the whole music thing, but I was made up everytime he played this record, so made up infact, that I still have the 12" record and I've had 3 different copies of the CD because I play it so much.
The title track itself is my favorite song, but looking at it now, it's certainly the tribal african type rhythms and such that got me going as a kid.
Maybe I'm half pygmy?
I can honestly say, that with the exception of the other 2 albums on this list, there is not another album to step up to this - song for song it's incredible.
The funny thing is, as I grew up, I spent a good while convinced, that Paul Simon was the dude from Caddyshack!
(shame)
This record changed my life in the sense that I strongly believe it set me down the good path in terms of music, and music appreciation. I'm not saying I've never bought a bad album but this certainly set the bar for all my other music store purchases.

Appetite for Destruction - Guns n Roses.

Taken off me because of the throwaway use of the word "fuck" and the volume at which I played it, this album was my first step into teenage rebellion, (at the tender age of 9).
I will always remember gurning with delight when I heard Axl Rose shout "fuck off" during "it's so easy" and thinking the lyric "take me down to the paradise city , where the grass is green and the girls are pretty" was the banner with which I was going to live my life.
It's a weird thing as a 9/10 year old, knowing full well that your idols are totally on drugs and are named "the most dangerous band on the planet". And being ok with that at 9 years of age is amazing. Again, I bought 3 copies of this on tape - 1 being stolen by a def leppard fan in the schoolyard. (the cunt.) and 2 copies on CD, which I listen to still on a regular basis.
Appetite for Destruction also holds (for me) the best guitar solo of all time in "Sweet Child o' Mine".

And Finally - Small Change - Tom Waits.

Zoo Be Za Be Zee Be Za Be Zoo Be Zie Yay. Zoo Be Za Be Squeeze A Zay A zeed ee aye ay.

Introduced to me because of that line in the song "Pasties and a G-String". (thanks JK).
I borrowed the album off the big man, and whilst I don't think it's Toms best album, it set me on the road to getting into all of Waits' music.
In saying it's not his best work though, it is one of my favorite albums, Tom Trauberts blues is simply mind blowing as a song, and the title track itself is brilliant.
This sort of changed everything for me, I had been at a bit of a loss to be honest, throwing my weight behind bands like Spacehog/Supergrass and so, bands that will never really set the world alight, not knowing if the next album was going to suck eggs or not, however, upon being shown the body of work that Waits had accomplished at that stage and then his change over time from ragged troubadour to insane professor I quickly realised that whilst not wanting to become either of those two characters, I could certainly now, listen to music with old and new sounds and not bother with any other stuff.

Of course, I've been lucky enough to hear these albums at times in my life where I needed to hear them, other albums I've loved like Dire Straits communicado or the Police's Outlando's d'amour, but consistantly, throughout time, it's always come back to those three.

That's my lot!

Let me know if any albums have done that to you!

El Voyce.

Victory is ours!

2006-03-10T15:03:00.000Z

It's finally here!

It's the Drexday we've been waiting for!

Johnny Aggro is 27 AND it's on a Drexday!

Happy Drexday everyone.

Victory is ours.

What a complete cunt. (the interview)

2006-03-10T11:21:00.000Z

cunt

Salivating Labrador: I'm joined today, by a complete cunt, is that a fair reflection Barry?

Barry Scott: YES THAT'S FAIR ENOUGH I SUPPOSE!

SL: And, I suppose the question we're all wondering is, why do you talk like that?

BS: IT'S A BIZARRE MEDICAL AFFLICTION I'M AFRAID!

SL: And, Cillit Bang Barry...Load of shite?

BS: IT'S ACTUALLY RED LEMONADE MATE!

SL: Well, I suppose that clears a few things up, are you married Barry?

BS: NO, TO BE HONEST - WHO'D LIVE WITH ME? I'M AN AWFUL CUNT.

SL: That you are Barry. And what does the future hold for Barry Scott?

BS: I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO BE ADVERTISING NEW CILLIT BANG PLUS!

SL: And that is..?

BS: SULPHURIC ACID AND RENDERED PIG FAT ACTUALLY.

SL: And you expect people to buy it?

BS: IF IT CLEANS A COIN IN THE AD YOU'D BE SURPRISED WHO WOULD BUY IT!

SL: That fucking coin, you love that Barry don't you? You twat.

BS: IT MAKES ME HOT!

SL: Fair enough, horses for courses....well I think we'll wrap it up there Barry.

BS: WILL YOU COME HOME WITH ME?!?

SL: No, no we won't.

BS: PARTY BACK IN SCOTTSERS GAFF!!

SL: Sorry, we're...washing our hair(s)

A Short poem about a great guy...

2006-03-08T11:21:00.000Z

Neeber Scoopendeedle

Neeber Scoopendeedle,
He's a Swedish tennis player,
Playing games of Swedish tennis,
Every single day.

However,

Neeber Scoopendeedle,
He's (also) a brick layer,
Laying Swedish bricks,
Black, Brown and Grey.

God Bless you Neeber.

THE BUG THAT KILLED THE LADS

2006-03-07T09:09:00.000Z

Buttus Coffeeus Splatterus

Like a dose of salts through a Cambodian - the lads were torn to pieces last week with a dreadful case of the "screaming hab dabs".

On Wednesday evening it hit Ciaran, hoisting him from his Ivory tower of smugness and planting him firmly in the toilet for a few days.

Meanwhile Pa had been struck from afar. Spending a couple of days in the foetal position in the bathroom serving himself an order of "butt coffee" with a side order of "crappacino".

But poor oul' Mango actually had to CANCEL a night out with his missus because he was sick as a pike!

Around about the same time I myself had to rush to the toilet and blow chunks.

Spending the weekend SO sick that I actually threw my neck out!

I reckon it's payback for an ALMIGHTY session we had a few weeks ago.

I've located the host specimen (Pa) and he must be destroyed!

DESTROYED!!!

Drex-Vader!

2006-03-03T10:30:00.000Z

It's Drexday mother crunchers!

Best day of the week - but it comes with a stark warning.

Today is the coldest day in Ireland in 10 years.

The Gods are clearly unhappy.

so Drex up mother bitches!

Rock on Pt. 2

2006-03-01T13:25:00.000Z

Welcome to the second installment of my Rocktacular rant. In the previous spittle fuelled narkogram I dealt with topics as fantastic as The guitar solo, LVS and the fantacular Rock beard, something I have since decided to grow since I wrote that little piece.

And now, I shall begin, at the beginning as they say and we shall roll onto the second part of my tightened panty rant.

Theatrics

What is a rock and roll show? When people went to see Dylan in the sixties and saw a scrawny chap with a big honker and a whiney voice (relax Dylan fans the man is a legend) singing with his acoustic guitar trying his damnedest to impersonate Woodie Guthrie were they rocked out? Did they leave in a sweaty mass jumping up, fist in the air with the sound of rock and roll in their ears? Did they jiggery. They left in a haze of smoke to return to their “camp” and eat Tofu burgers and talk about JP Satré.

Now all that is well and good, not everyone needs to have their brain taken out, put in a blender and popped back in, but for those of us who do, we have the rock and roll show. I understand a lot of people will say “but it should be about the music”, I say Bollocks to that. Elvis Presley was essentially just an entertainer, infact, 50% of his songs are complete horseshit, but when he sung them, and swayed those hips, people were moved. And the ladies – well – we all know they loved the king.

Move over rover, and let Jimi...burn everything to bits

“It’s all pyrotechnics and lights now”. Shut your fucking face, even in the 80’s when that kind of thing was at its peak, bands were rocking harder than ever. Dave Lee Roth didn’t get a pyrotechnical whizz to make him hop up with his legs akimbo did he? Fair enough, Bon Jovi had the bungee chords into the crowd and I’m sure there were 100’s of god-awful rockers in the 80’s (Mr. Big I’m looking at you) who did similar things to “reach the crowd” but all in the name of entertainment dammit.
I have to be honest, I love Journey, but what would Journey be without the big production? The rock stance – pretending your guitar is a machine gun and shooting the crowd with it, it’s all cracking stuff.

Look at Kiss, enormous in the USA, never really bothered with Europe (because they didn’t have to) but a KISS show was more make up than guitar licks, more fake blood than a George Romero movie, and more balls than ballsy thing.
Some theatrics are provided out of the big show mentality, creating a rock show that has more in common with Barnum circus than rock and roll, and others are clearly borne out the need to destroy or the pure vast intake of narcotica.

Jimi Hendrix setting his fender strat alight and then worshipping the flames, or Pete Townshend literally knocking seven shades of shit out of all the equipment on stage much to the relaxed bemused of the onlooking Ox.
Ozzy Biting the head of anything that was thrown onstage, Axl Rose starting a riot in St.Louis, Mike Patton drinking piss from a shoe, Jim Morrison in general, all these things are indelibly sewn into the great tapestry of rock and roll, and whether it’s a stage show or a band you’ve come to see, they all wind up spilling onto the same page.

I have one more part of this rant left in me, tune in next week rock lovers!

(sorry)

Pancakes!

2006-02-28T11:48:00.000Z

It's pancake Tuesday! A truly excellent (if a little fattening) day!

Here's how you make a daycent enough Pancake.

Ingredients

8 Oz of Flour
2 Eggs
1 Pint of milk

Don't bother sifting the flour in, just heap it into the bowl and create a well in the middle.
Lob in the 2 eggs and mix it into the flour until all the egg is absorbed - not all the flour will absorb into the eggs, but a fair bit will.
Then mix in the milk and "stir the shite out of it" as my mother said.
leave it to stand for 15-20 minutes - that's important apparently.

Things to do whilst you're waiting for the batter mix to settle.

1: You can go and have a shite
2: head off and have a shave
3: Run down to your neighbours house and kick in the windows

At this stage, put on your pan. make sure the pan is fairly hot and lob a scoop/pad of butter onto the smoking pan, then ladle in your first pancake.
roll the pan around until the pancake covers a fair bit of the pan and then leave on high heat until it begins to bubble.
Then it's time to flip/chart/pad! (translation - toss the pancake)

This action I will have to leave to yourself, as there is no particular way to do this properly that I know of. So god be with you.

Once flipped - leave until you are satisfied and then use a spatula to take the pancake off.

On the plate - cover with caster sugar and lemon juice and serve.

There's loads of other ways to eat pancakes - Nutella choc spread/jam/banana

Let me know what your favorite is - and I'll try it out meself tonite.

Things that cheese my cracker Pt. 1

2006-02-24T11:48:00.000Z

Guitar Solos

Growing up, there were many things you could rely on, Saturday morning cartoons, Mtv playing music, McDonlads being a once a month treat and of course, Guitar Solos. Whether they were small interludes in a song or axe crunching, ear ripping pieces of music history (Sweet Child ‘O Mine I’m looking at you) they were the staple diet of the Rock God.

Guitar Solo’s were invented by Maximus, the God of Ego – many eon’s ago. This tool was passed down to the Rock star and he thusly issued it to us to consume whilst we delivered the burnt offerings that were the outstretched fist and the wildly shaking head.

Developed in the swinging sixties by Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Pete Townshend and co. It was perfected in the seventies and taken to the extreme in the eighties.
During the nineties however, the Guitar solo took a back seat to allow Northern soul and Brit pop arrive with Grunge, this can be seen as a step back, but to be fair, Guitar solos needed a break from the eighties, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani and Nuno Bettencourt had all but shredded their last lick.

Solo’s themselves have yet to make a huge comeback, but you see one slipping in there every so often and each time I hear someone attemping some riffamortis, I crack an oily toothless smile and think “Maximus has blessed us once again”.

cunt.

LVS

This phrase was coined by a good friend of mine, It’s basically short for “Lead Vocalist Syndrome” and it refers to the trend of the lead singer of a rock and roll band getting too big for his leopard skin boots. We’ve all seen it throughout rock history, Axl Rose firing the entire GnR line up, Dave Lee Roth leaving Van Halen all these things are more than likely due to long hours in the studio, artistic temperament and of course the MASSIVE intake of narcotics from the aforementioned rockers.

There’s no doubting that the lead singers of the rock group are generally the focal point of the group (that is until the blessed guitar solo) however, it is usually the case that the lead singer is generally the talentless member of the group, I mean, I’m not tarring everyone with the same brush here, Jagger is a legend to name one, but in a good few cases it appears that the fame and fortune and obviously the MASSIVE intake of narcotics takes its toll on the lead singer, I can’t help but giggle like a schoolgirl everytime you hear of a lead singer throwing a strop and walking out, it actually doesn’t happen that much anymore, but you can always rely on a lead singer to get “tired and emotional” with the musicians of the group and either fire the blaggards or walk out themselves. Classic.

The plight of the Lead singer

The Rock Beard

Worn to amazing effect most times, we’ve seen George Harrison very nearly disappear into his during the Beatles psychedelic period, John Entwhistle always stalked the stage with one, infact, rumour has it he had an extra set of hands under there, (which would explain a lot).
The Rock star is filled with so much testosterone that they have to shave at least 4 times a day, and whilst on tour, or just plain living it up, not all Rock Gods have time to shave, Then again, the beard has been shunned of late, until the emergence of the magic numbers, and perhaps the Kings of Leon.

But when the term “Beard” is mentioned we all turn to ZZ Top.
Everyone knows the name of the drummer is beard and he only had a moustache, this is what sums up the Rock beard for me, if anyone can sell millions of records in the eighties on their facial hair alone then the beard has power!
In saying that ZZ Top are truly rocktacular, and have many other tunes outside the eighties that rock hard.

Tune in next week for Part 2 of my rockariffic rant!

World Gurning Champion.

2006-02-23T10:52:00.001Z

Yes Folks, his name is Edgar Spanovich, he's from Antrim and he's here to talk to the salivating labrador!

SL: Edgar, is it safe to say this is a unique talent?

ES: Yesh, Yesh it ish, but there are many more like me.

SL: So is there an entire gurning community?

ES: Well, I fink itsh shafe to shay theresh plenty of ush yesh!

SL: Sorry, I didn't catch that?

ES: I shaid theresh plenty of usch!

SL: - em - what?

ES: Nexsht Queschtion pleasch.

SL: I have no idea what you're talking about mate

ES: Are you mocking me?

SL: No no, it must be a bad line!

ES: I'm shitting right in front of you!

SL: What? Stop that!

ES: Thish ish ridiculoush (inaudible piffle)

SL: Ok, that was just noise...

ES: Thish interview ish over

SL: Yeah, I don't see it going anywhere, stupid assignment anyway fucking editor doesn't like me because I slept with his cousin, how was I to know......

Zombie Flu - is it on the way?

2006-02-22T09:43:00.000Z

Scientists have confirmed that the deadly strain of Zombie flu has been found in France.

The deadly strain of Zombie flu was found in 2 dead Zombies in the Brittany region.

The outbreaks of zombie flu that began in southeast Asia in the middle of 2003 are the largest and most severe on record.

Nine Asian countries have reported outbreaks and the virus has become endemic in some places where the disease has not been controlled.

Now the disease is sweeping into Europe, some of it blamed on Zombies' migration patterns.

So far it seems that close contact with dead or sick zombies is the main source of human infection with the Romero virus.

At present, Romero is largely a zombie disease. The virus does not easily cross from Zombies to infect humans. Despite the infection of several thousand over a wide area for more than two years, fewer than 200 human cases have been confirmed.

Upon Speaking with Alan Greendwall a spokesman for the zombie community – had this to say,
“Hnnngh, Braaaaaains bluuaaargghh”
And the harsh reality is, a mass cull could be the only way to stop the infection into many flocks of Zombies nationwide.

Residents are advised if approached by Zombies who are displaying symptoms such as, high temperature, runny nose, aches and pains other than that caused from the eternal damnation of walking the earth undead, are to immediately contact the authorities.

The pistol crack from the new Kojak.

2006-02-21T09:32:00.000Z

Who loves ya baby?

Not fucking me, I had been looking forward to watching the remake of Kojak featuring everyone’s fantasy B.A. Baracus Ving Rhames on TV3 last night with the same amount of anticipation you get when watching a basket full of kittens fall off a table on you’ve been framed.
I knew it would be awful, but I didn’t think it would be GOD awful. That is of course until I saw the opening credits and I thought, “uh oh”.

It seems that they wanted to make such a big deal out of the fact that Rhames was bald and sucked a lollipop to make up for the fact that they swapped a fat white Greek for a muscle bound black man that they forgot about story and acting. This is summed up within the first 15 minutes when “Kojak” confronts an armed robber and says “I ain’t afraid of dyin’”. Then the camera stays on his face for an exceptionable amount of time before (badly) panning over to the stunned face of the burglar.

Other classic lines include “see that lady? She got a tattoo on her forehead – it says hard case”. What the fuck does any of that mean? Also, “Kojak” gets beat up by a woman in the first episode, which I could pretty much guarantee would never have happened the old Kojak.

Now unfortunately for me, I usually find myself watching TV3 of a Monday anyway, because Law and Order SVU is on at 10, so I’m no doubt going to watch Kojak again, I’d be willing to give it a chance, but only one more.

Now while I’m at it, I’ll give you a quick list of Cop shows that I love, and that should never be remade. (Although I’m guessing they will be, if they’re not already)

1: Magnum P.I
2: Hill Street Blues
3: Jake and The Fat man
4: CHiPs
5: Hunter
6: TJ Hooker.
7: Columbo
8: Miami Vice (I know it’s being remade – but I don’t have to be happy about it)
9: Nash Bridges – a Johnson double – I actually watched the entire 6 series of these.
10: The Fall Guy – not strictly a cop show – but what the hey.

Happy Drexday!

2006-02-17T15:18:00.000Z

It's that time of week folks!

Have a great drexday - and remember - with Drex corp. you'll never be lonely!

Just afraid!

Drex on!

Not an All Bran Fan.

2006-02-16T11:05:00.000Z

Christ.

I feel sick.

My morning routine has changed somewhat since January, Instead of driving to work in my beloved mini - I now Jog or Walk (depending on my humour) in - and I have it down to about 30 minutes - which is good going by my standards.

Anyway, The routine goes as follows; Wake up, Pack bag, Put on iPod, Leggit.

Halfway up the route there's a Mace - and to honest, it's easily the best convenience shop I've been in - it has everything, Including a self service fruit bar. (legend)

So I pop in there (a sweaty mess) and fill up on fruit/water/newspaper and leggit again.

I also usually get Muesli for breakfast - it's like fucking store dust that gear, but it's a necessary evil I'm afraid.

Anyway, This morning, there was no muesli and I decided to have a bowl of All Bran instead.

Not clever.

first off - I always thought the stuff was pretty rotten, I mean, anything that looks like it should be lining a squirrels bed can't taste nice.

But since I haven't eaten the stuff for about 10 years - I figured my tastebuds had grown up a bit.

No hope. The stuff tastes MEDICALLY bad. And what's worse, is I just ate the entire bowl because my frame of mind was "well, if it's this bad, it has to be healthy"

I don't think it is now! I feel like I've just eaten shit.

Chris Farley - 1964 - 1997

2006-02-15T12:06:00.000Z

Chris Farley.

Today marks the 9th anniversary of Comic legend Chris Farleys tragic passing.

The Labrador is a big fan and still misses him on the big screen.

We miss you Chris – wherever you are.

(In a van, down by the river)

Four Brothers

2006-02-15T09:50:00.000Z

What usually happens when you let your girlfriend go to the Video shop for you?

She usually arrives back with "The magic princess who started out as just a simple secretary but was turned beautiful Part 2 - Featuring J-Lo."

So when I saw the film "Four Brothers" sat on the kitchen table last night, this is what went through my head,

"Uh, that's that film with OutKast and the Model and Marky Mark in it"

I've been successfully avoiding this film - and I've been quite happy to do so as I didn't think it held anything for me. So imagine my surprise when I was suitably impressed with the entire film!

Set in the dreary backdrop of Detroit in winter this revenge film rises above the rest by not trying to be too clever, but not dumbing down too much either - there's credible performances from André Benjamin and Tyrese whatshisname - whilst Mark Whalberg is as usual fairly sturdy.

One thing however, and it's purely personal - I don't like Terrance Howard - I just don't trust him.

The music to this film is a clear homáge to the motown music that stemmed from Detroit, and whilst not always suiting the scenes it is in, it gives an element of class to the film.

All in all, this film does exactly what it says on the tin - entertains and doesn't leave you feeling like you've wasted any time in watching it.

Wearnz!

Happy Valentines day!

2006-02-14T10:41:00.000Z

Happy Get a card and flowers and chocolates and a bank loan day!
(miser)

Lets get dumped!

2006-02-13T10:02:00.000Z

Lets conduct an experiment.

I want everyone to try something out for me this week, and we’ll see how it works out.
Picture the scene; You and your nearest and dearest are lounging of an evening in front of the telly, perhaps you’re watching changing rooms? Perhaps it’s the 6 o clock news. One thing for sure is – you have the remote. When all of a sudden, you begin to slowly turn up the volume – notch by notch.
I need all of you to do the following.

Fill out this Form.

Form 1A – Experiment in Female blood pressure.

Name :

Programme on TV:

Starting Volume :

Volume When Stopped:

Excuse used:

Just hoist up the volume, number by number, and once your partner flips out – take note of the level and bring it back down to the acceptable level and use your excuse.

Let the games begin!

Its the weekend! Yippee!!

2006-02-10T13:56:00.000Z

I'm fucking delighted!

It's been a shite week, I've done nothing but walk/work and eat.
No studios this week - which bummed me out.
No footie this week (worth watching) - terrible.

But this weekend - Celtic v Rangers on sunday @ 12:30!

LEGEND!

Have a great weekend you berks!

The Voyce.

Rashion!

2006-02-10T10:04:00.000Z

Happy Fucking Drexday!

2006-02-10T08:45:00.000Z

ITS DREXDAY MOTHER CRUNCHERS!

Yes, It’s the greatest day of the week, brought to us in association with Drex Corp. tm
Drexday has scooched its way up the couch of time again and landed on our doorsteps!

Things to do on Drexday include:

Telling people it’s Drexday.
Making sure people behave like they know its Drexday
Enquiring as to what day it is and when people tell you, correct them.
Eating your lunch like a Viking.
Cancelling everything, and then rescheduling it for the same time.

And now a message from our sponsors.

Drexday corporation would like to thankyou for taking part but also remind/warn of the future consequences if the tradition of Drexday is not upheld.

Kind Regards

Mark V Cerasi – Drex Corp.
President.

Canned food - Pots of Puke or Tins of Treasure?

2006-02-09T11:18:00.000Z

Convenience is King!

Prone as I am to walking the aisles of Tesco wondering what delights the good people in the food industry have invented for me of late, I oft, stumble into the canned foods section to peruse the wares.

I have partaken in many edibles in this form in my time,

Canned Irish Stew - best eaten whilst in the bath drunk as a lord.
Canned Ravioli - best eaten luke warm on a slice of week old bread.
Canned Irish breakfast - best eaten - by someone else.

All of those were prone to my fancy for about a year - whilst I was unemployed and heavily reliant on substances of an illegal nature.

of course times have changed.

I got a job.

But now I'm thinking - Tinned food - there's bound to be refuse out there willing to try something new!

And so my little labradors - I have compiled a short list of things we are yet to see in cans (to my highly limited knowledge)

1: Thai Curry's - What could possibly go wrong here?
2: Lasagne - It'd be pretty much a winner
3: Chow mein - we all know they can come in cutesy little cartons but we want TINS!
4: McChicken sandwich meal with large fries - its a long shot...
5: Chicken Korma - Indian food was invented for cans.

Needless to say, this is a topic which will turn the Yaleys on their heads, and one which will provoke reaction from those back benchers who call themselves experts.

Well we shall see!

(any others would be appreciated)

Going through Gick....with a stick!

2006-02-08T09:44:00.000Z

You are what you eat.

Dr. Gillian McKeith - Probes yer poo to tell you what you already know.

Last night, she got stuck into some tubby chick over her (obvious) weight problem.

So first of, she lays out what the bint eats throughout the week and then tells her that eating hotdogs all week dipped in BBQ sauce is bad for you - (wow)

Then - she makes you shit in a lunchbox and probes it with a pen and from watching her notes she has written the following;

1: Putrid smell
2: Lack of consistency
3: No shape

Am I the only one who thinks that shit smells bad ALL WEEK 'ROUND?

And if you keep a shite in a tuppaware tub long enough - it's bound to lose shape and consistency!

So anyway - she puts yer woman on a diet for 8 weeks and then sticks her in a pair of kecks about 4 times bigger than usual so she looks grand!

It's the stuff of nightmares.

If you are what you eat then Gillian McKeith eats sour oul cunts.

Boom!

Welcome to the moral highground!

2006-02-07T11:45:00.000Z

Welcome to

The Salivating Labrador!

Before we begin, I'll lay out a few ground rules.

1: If you are easily offended - then make your way to another Blog - as it's fair game here.
2: Leave your moral backbone at the door - you can pick it up on the way out.
C: Things here don't have to make sense - so if you don't understand it - it's no biggie.
4: Enjoy yourself during your stay, any questions, just ask.

The Voyce.