If Chins could....blow out birthday candles.

Happy Birthday Bruce Campbell - movie icon - 49 Years young today.

Shop smart.

Shop S - mart.

Erm....

I saw this "art" in a new housing development near where I live on Sunday - and I got worried.

It's animal art porn at it's worst.

Alfred Hitchcock would be proud....

I'm not having a good week with the oul' birds.

Now, I don't mean women, I'm talking about actual birds, the flying ones!

On Monday morning, I was leaving my house and on my front lawn I spotted an aray of feathers, "hrmm" says I, as I walked over for a further look and lo and behold what was lying brown bread on my grass only a parrot (pictured below)

"polly want a....face"



Now, It was 7am, on a Monday morning, after a heavy weekend, so I allowed myself to think it was just a dream, but by the time I woke up properly (11am) I realised that someones pet had met their untimely demise in my front garden - I thought for a second - was it my killer hound that dealt the fatal blow? but I soon realised that she had been asleep in her kennel all night long (I know this because I closed the door over and it was in the same position the following morning....and to the best of my knowledge, she can't close doors)


So I reckon, perhaps a magpie or magpies had attacked this lovely creature, leaving me with the remains - which I buried in a small ceremony near where I found her body.

Poor thing.


Secondly, and most frighteningly, I was driving down the coast road yesterday, to meet the missus for a pint and a bite to eat in Clontarf, I pulled into a carpark on the sea front and as I approached the spot I had chosen I noticed there was a Cormorant (pictured below) perched on the micra beside me, however, he or she was clearly unhappy with me to be there and swooped up into the air and literally hovered like a giant dragon in front of my car.

"it's a cormorant"
Put the fucking heart crossways in me.



So I'm waiting for the 3rd installment of my bird drama to unfold, these things happen in trees I'm told.



(awful joke...not even clever funny)

Bring in the Regime!

A while ago, a good friend mentioned to me that he had been thinking of writing a book about attempting to cure social moronics.

I listened to what he had to say, and whilst 100% of it was completly agreeable, his methods were, how would you say it....insanely violent.

Needless to say however, I have been thinking of this since, and I believe a manual is needed to highlight the inept attitude of many of this countries social outcasts.

Let me set straight at the start, that I do not mistake poverty, homelessness, religion or drug addiction for being a social moron. Allow me to explain.

1. Your car

Whilst driving, should you feel the need to listen to music at a level which would be inaudible for anyone sitting as close as you are to the speakers, please refrain from letting your windows down so that others may enjoy their drive-time commute in silence, or whilst listening to the music of their choice. I would also suggest (as an aside) that you listen to the music at a level where you would be more comfortable, this high volume level is clearly the reason you answer "WHA?" to every question.

Also, when driving a modified car, please ensure that you enter this car in races, so that you can qualify both the lowered position and the bodykit of your vehicle. Please refrain from putting "artwork" or neon lighing on your car at all times, and Finally (although I'm sure there's plenty more) please do not wear a cap inside your motor, it's just silly.

2. Your Clothing.

For men first off, pink shirts, pink t-shirts, pink ties, pink anything is a definite no-no here, Pink is for little girls who have little curls, right in the middle of their foreheads. Leave the collar DOWN on any rugby/football tops unless you are grossly scarred underneath. Caps are to be worn at a normal angle, wearing them to the side or back to front is relatively acceptable, but ensure you are able to back that up by being able to do a Tony Hawk-esque flip on a skateboard or break into freestyle rap at any requested moment. T-Shirts that say FCUK ME are not allowed.

For the ladies, there are a few small rules, but it is VITAL you stick to these, anything else is a clear infringment on social standards and will cast you outside society.

If you are a buxom lass, please dress in clothes that fit, honestly love, you'll look fine, you won't however, look fine, dressed like a sumo wrestler in cling-film. On the flip side of that, don't go around with yourself in a bag, live a little, love a little, we'll appreciate you for it!

But i'm only flicking around the asshole of the problem here, so i'm going to delve right in, here's my crux.

WEARING YOUR PYJAMAS OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOME IS UNACCEPTABLE. I can't stress this enough, you look ridiculous, and who the hell wears them anyway?? I actually cannot type any more on this, as I'm likely to get so angry I'll pass out.

3. Smoking

It's not big, It's not clever, It's nothing really to do with me, but must you do it ladies when you're heavily pregnant? Why would you not want to give your child the best possible start in life? and a 9 mth sacrifice surely to god won't kill you (quicker than the fags will). And if your fella smokes, get him to stop too!

4. Children

Ah Bless the little ones, lets have kids, lets call them obnoxious names like Ridley and Fuinneog, lets teach them to be smartarse little rugger buggers by 4yr old. Lets call them names like Britney and Lyle, Lets go to the clonliffe house all day and get spannered while little "Ethan" and little "Shaznay" run riot in the car park. Keep them on a fucking leash people, if you're going to go out and booze all day.

5. Celtic.

I support Celtic, I love the club, and i'm sure the club loves everyone who buys their produce and goes to games - why wouldn't they? but for the love of god just because you're Irish and fancy throwing a brick at the Brits doesn't mean you have to wear the bleedin' jersey! TAKE IT OFF YOU.

There's plenty more, Mobile Phones, Cinema talking, Chewing Gum and general littering all of course are rantable - but those are the ones that get me the most.

To read more on the REGIME idea, please contact http://johnnylondis.blogspot.com/ for further information.