A-Z of Thailand part 2 (H - N)

H is for Heat

It was rainy season in Thailand, but don’t let that fool you, with an average heat of 38 degrees every day you’d be constantly sweating it out, I lost a stone in a month from the heat, walking down the road was basically the same as running top speed up a freaking hill in Ireland.

H is also for Hua Hin

A beautiful part of Thailand, that I was fortunate enough to spend 10 days in. You can do pretty much anything there, Jetski, Climb the mountains to the temples, Shop, party, but all at a lovely near-Caribbean pace.
They had a bloody Tesco there for godssake! We stayed in 2 hotels during our time there, and both were truly exceptional, their attention to detail and cleanliness was second to none. Good for adults, great for kids, you’ll hear no complaints here.

I is for Insects

I know I’ve already discussed the Ants, but believe me, there’s wigglys over there that would turn you pale, as we rafted up river I was told there was “something” on my back, now being a fan of the Indiana Jones movies, my mind was working overtime with this, so when I got my brother in law to swat whatever the fuck was on my back and show me I wasn’t prepared for a big black beetle with a stinger tail type scorpion thing.Awful stuff. But on the upside to that, there’s some amazing dragonflies there too, all different colours and sizes and making a veritable banquet for the Geckos.

J is for Jumping snake.

“Ladies and gentlemen, next snake, velly dangerous, no hoppital close, you get bite YOU DIE!, 3 minute, 3 minute, you DIE!” was the call from the Thai announcer at the Chiang Mai snake show. “ Velly dangerous Indian jumping snake, he jump up to 4ft”. We had paid in for a private show, as the park was closed, but our Thai friend got us in special. So in a small hut we were all on tenderhooks as they opened the box with the Indian jumping snake inside it. Suddenly the music got really loud and the snake handler flung a rope at us.
My mother in law nearly fell off the bleacher seats and the kids FREAKED. I very nearly wet my pants aswell.


K is for Khop

The word Khop is used constantly over there, it’s a polite term meaning thankyou and please. For the ladies, you say Kah instead. I really got into the Thai language whilst there and plan on showing off in many a Thai restaurant in the future.

K is also for King

He’s everywhere, pictures on the roadside, murals on the walls, on t-shirts and hats, everywhere. His Majesty the king of Thailand is regarded as spiritual by the people, and rightly so, from what I understand he has done wonderful things for the entire country with regards literacy, schooling and health.

L is for Ladyboys

Lets face it, I wasn’t going to do a rundown on Thailand without mentioning the lads. They’re a seriously good looking bunch of fellas – I’ll hold my hands up and say I had to double take several times over there, I wasn’t always right!
But the ladyboy shows are more like cabaret than anything else, and in fairness to them they’re hilariously entertaining.

L is also for Long necked hill tribe.

We took a trek up the river Mae Khong to a long necked hill tribe, now it’s not as adventurous as it sounds there, the hill tribes are somewhat of a tourist attraction, and fully expect people, but it was still really cool to go and do it.
The long neck is a sign that you are “Suay Mak” which means very beautiful, but it was originally for the hunters to protect them against Tigers who instinctively go for the neck, however I’m sure once a tiger has no luck chewing on your neck he’ll probably go for somewhere softer like your belly, so these neck rings were probably given over to the women to wear for fashion.
The rings are REALLY heavy, think the weight of say, 10 dinner plates around your neck, and also, it doesn’t stretch the neck, it lowers the shoulders apparently. Anyway, I was extremely grateful for their hospitality and it was a once in a lifetime thing for me to do.



M is for Muay Thai boxing.

A farce. A feckin farce so it was. They hand out flyers in restaurants everywhere that show two fighters ready to kick snot out of eachother and claim it to be a big bout. So I went along one night, and I saw two massive lads barely touch eachother and one fella hitting the deck soon thereafter, I might aswell have been watching WWF.
So the next time I was handed a flyer, I asked “exhibition? Or real?” and I was told “big championship fight” so I went along again, same bloody thing.
Sometimes you wish you weren’t a falong, so you could see the real deal!

M is also for Mosquitoes

In one month, I was lucky enough not to get bitten at all by the little bastards, which would lead me to believe that I could probably be a Mosquito farmer and not get bitten, because everyone else got nibbled on at one stage or another. I saw someone with a bite on their face and the entire bite was the size of a golf ball, and itchy as hell I’d imagine.
We were warned on our jungle trek that they’d savage us if we didn’t wear the protection that the Thai Army wore, it stunk, but by jingo did it work. Mind you, it would probably work with EVERYTHING because it smells so bad.



N – is for Noi.

Noi means little, and I don’t want to get too into the Thai language thing here, but if you’re the younger brother of someone, you seem to be instantly given that name, so Noi was the manager of Mr. Mudds blues bar in Hua Hin and a lovely chap he was too. Gave us plenty of Chang and Singha beers to keep us hydrated on those balmy evenings.


Stay tuned for O to U folks!

(you can tell me to stop when it gets boring.)

The A-Z of Thailand (Part 1)

So my month long Thai odyssey has come to an end. I’m back in good old Eire, slightly browner and bizarrely lighter.
Without boring the shits out of you like I have been to anyone who’ll listen about my holidays, I thought it would be interesting to do a wee report on what I saw in Thailand as a first timer, and what better way to do that than in an A-Z?
(there’s probably lots of better ways, but just indulge me for godssake)


A is for Ants

After a few too many beers, you might be forgiven for looking at the ground and thinking it’s moving. In Thailand, it is. No matter where you are, or what you’re doing, there’s an Ant somewhere busying away, the further north into the jungle we got, the bigger and meaner the ants became, we were told that in Thailand 60 people die a year from Ants, not sure how true that is, because I only got one Ant bite in a month and it didn’t hurt at all. (flexing muscles)

B is for Bangkok

Without doubt, Bangkok is the most exciting place I’ve ever been to in my life, the most exciting and equally terrifying place. Words can’t really describe the hustle and bustle and the smells and sounds of the place, but lets just say I was glad I only spent a few nights there, because I was mentally shot afterwards. Whether you’re touring the vast markets looking for bargains (of which you’ll get plenty) or strolling through Pah Pong trying to avoid the come on attempts of the hookers and pimps alike, you’ll need plenty of energy to navigate your way through the city.

C is for Chiang Mai

A Different world in comparison to Bangkok, about 1 hours flight from the capital Chiang Mai boasts beautiful jungles and a lovely little city, the Chiang Mai curry and Chiang Mai sausage are delicious also.

C is also for Cooking Class

It’s a bit touristy I know, but I WAS A TOURIST and one who loves his Thai food too, so I took it upon myself to enrol in the Baan Thai cookery school. We spent half the day touring the markets for our ingredients, and we were then given a fairly basic run down of what we were going to be doing, so we ended up cooking a Tom Yam Gai, (spicy sour chicken soup), a Pad Thai, (chicken, egg and noodles with some veg), a Spicy Papaya salad (hottest thing I’ve ever eaten) and a Panang Curry, (Pork, thai style curry, delicious)
Unfortunately I had a big lunch so I could only barely taste my dishes, but our instructor said they tasted lovely. (I fairly dodged that bullet).




D is for Doi Su Tep

About 40 minutes outside Chiang Mai and up in the hills there is the beautiful temple of Doi Su Tep, atop an enormous hill, you can walk up the steep steps, or get a cable car. Then you can walk around and look at the amazing Buddhist statues and temples, you can get blessed by the monk there and then generally just stroll about (shoes off please) and relax in the frightfully serene atmosphere.

E is for Elephants

It took me a while to get over this one, I was relaxing in a bar minding my own bees wax when an enormous elephant stuck his trunk right into my face looking for me to buy some pineapple sticks from this skinny little guy, basically your being mugged, but it’s only about 30cents and it’s worth it just to get the smelly thing away from your boat race, but in fairness, they are beautiful animals, and I was fortunate enough to have regular contact with them once we got up North.

F is for Farong (Falong)

That’s foreigners to you and me, the Thai people are extremely protective of the foreigners and will do anything to help you (mostly), they also have a warped sense of humour to the average joe, but after a week or so you’ll be cracking up alongside them.
My lasting memory though will be that no matter how much I stood out (and believe you me, you don’t get worse than a pale pasty Irish chap in downtown hua hin) you’ll never feel like a boner at a wedding.

G is for Go Go Bars.

Most bars that I saw would be normal restaurant bar type things until a certain hour, lets call it “THE PROZZY HOUR” when scores of scantily clad girls would descend on the bars and sit down outside trying to lure you in for a drink. The girls were actually very nice, especially when they’d see me with my girlfriend, they still called us in, but only for a chat and the craic, which I thought was nice, mind you, when I was in Bangkok I was told “100baht, for 4 girls of my choice if I sneak out to the toilet” which I thought was a bit offside.

Stay tuned my little labradors for part 2 of my Thai rundown.

Pups.